How to Fall Asleep

There are several ways to fall asleep, from the quick to the time-consuming, from the restful to the depressing. This book will cover the basics and their different strengths. And remember - no one technique works every time! Do what feels right for you.

1. Think About the Past
There are sub-strategies here: think about the recent past (today, yesterday, Wednesday) and think about the long-since past. We'll start with the most recent because it covers less ground:

The Recent Past
Roll over on your side so you can see the room, and think over what you did today or even this week. Odds are you have already had time to form many regrets about the choices you made. No doubt you have had the chance to trip, to blow it during a conversation because you were to slow, to miss out on something fun, and to miss out on a legion of great opportunities that will never come back, just in 24 hours.
You can also think about the good things that happened. Did you have a party? Maybe you made a great joke in class and everyone laughed. If so then great! You have something positive to think about. Laughing will keep you awake, so try to maintain only a wide smile, wrap the covers around yourself, and fall asleep looking like a big baby.

The Long-Since Past
Lie on your back, with your hands down by your sides. Remember when you were twelve and this girl liked you, but you didn't do anything because you were twelve? Or when you said something really stupid in class and it got brought up every day after that? Maybe when someone used to give you shit everyday, but you were too much of a pussy to do something about it? How many times how you thought of that, every night, since it happened? Not enough! Welcome to the Midnite Mistake Theater - it's here to play classics all night, back to back, until your mind retreats into sleep out of shame. Crying also helps, if you can, or just can't keep the tears back.
Nobody thinks about good old memories late at night.

2. Think About the Future
Again, this subject is divided between the near and distant future.

The Near Future
What do you need to do tomorrow? Probably something important. Have you got it taken care of? Probably not, you forgot until now, when it's too late. Sit up fretting about it until you're too exhausted to keep your eyelids apart. Alternatively, if you're doing something GOOD tomorrow, think about that. Lie on your back with your hands behind your head and imagine all the impossibly good things that could, just maybe, happen tomorrow. This will cheapen the actual experience as it fails to live up to your pie-in-the-sky dreams, but it will fill you with cheer. Content, roll on your stomach and fall asleep.

The Far Future
What the hell are you going to do when you grow up? Are you going to have a wife or something? A great job? Where are you gonna live? Now's the time to dream of the far future. Lie however you want, really. Dream of great things that, again, could seemingly reasonably happen, but likely won't. Don't worry about that, though, just cast your mind out over so many unreasonable, awesome things you expect to do. Someday, years from now, you'll have missed out on all the chances for these and the fantasies will become horrible memories of the past. Until then, soak it up, cast your dreams across fields and mountains, and, finally, let your eyes close without even noticing.

3. Get Trashed
Get drunk or stoned all night and then just collapse into bed, exhausted, and go out like a match. The authors highly recommend this strategy above all others because it's the least damaging.

And there you go! Any variations will be covered in more advanced classes, if you take them. Now we conclude this chapter, and move on to the next: you've fallen asleep, and now it's time to dream.